var currentStory="Jokes";
var myTitle="Few Jokes";
var sideTitle=" ";
var defText="Select a joke on the right.  Next, click \"start test\" and begin typing. ";

var chapter0="There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.  When asked to define \"great\" he said, \"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!\" ...He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages. ";

var chapter1="My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes.  I noticed their Disney password was \"MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto,\" and asked why it was so long.  \"Because,\" my son explained, \"they say it has to have at least four characters.\" ";

var chapter2="A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink.  Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was.  When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.  He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.  \"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?\" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. ";

var chapter3="No one answered.  \"Alright, I\'m gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain\'t back outside by the time I finish, I\'m gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don\'t like to have to do what I dun in Texas!\" Some of the locals shifted restlessly.  The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post.  He saddled up and started to ride out of town.  The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, \"Say partner, before you go...  what happened in Texas?\" The cowboy turned back and said, \"I had to walk home.\" ";

var chapter4="A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theatre.  When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, \"Sorry, sir, but you\'re only allowed one seat.\"  The man groaned but didn\'t budge.  The usher became impatient.  \"Sir, if you don\'t get up from there I\'m going to have to call the manager.\"  Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. ";

var chapter5="In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man.  Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success.  Finally, they summoned the police.  The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, \"All right buddy, what\'s your name?\" \"Sam,\" the man moaned.  \"Where ya from, Sam?\" With pain in his voice Sam replied \"The balcony.\" ";

var chapter6="A guy walks past a mental hospital and hears a moaning voice \"13...13...13...13\" the man looked over to the hospital and saw a hole in the wall, he looked through the hole and gets poked in the eye.  The moaning voice then groaned \'14...14...14...14.\' ";

var chapter7="Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators.  He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion.  The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single.  One day, the millionaire decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, \"My dear guests, I have a proposition to every man here.  I will give one million dollars, or my daughter, to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!\" ";

var chapter8="As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large splash in the pool.  The guy in the pool was swimming with all his might, and the crowd began to cheer him on.  Finally, he made it to the other side of the pool unharmed.  The millionaire was impressed.  He said, \"That was incredible! Fantastic! I didn\'t think it could be done! Well, I must keep my end of the bargain.  Do you want my daughter or the one million dollars?\" The guy catches his breath, then says, \"Listen, I don\'t want your money! And I don\'t want your daughter! I want the creep who pushed me into the pool!\" ";

var chapter9="A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer.   \"If I lose this case, I\'ll be ruined.\"  \"It\'s in the judge\'s hands now,\" said the lawyer.  \"Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?\" \"Oh no! This judge is a stickler or ethical behavior.  A stunt like that  would prejudice him against you.  He might even hold you in contempt of court.  In fact, you shouldn\'t even smile at the judge.\"  Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the  defendant.  As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, \"Thanks for  the tip about the cigars.  It worked!\" \"I\'m sure we would have lost the case if you\'d sent them.\"  \"But, I did send them.\"  \"What? You did?\" said the lawyer, incredulously.  \"Yes.  That\'s how we won the case.\"  \"I don\'t understand,\" said the lawyer.  \"It\'s easy.  I sent the cigars to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff\'s  business card.\" ";

var chapter10="A young businessman had just started his own firm.  He\'d rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques.  Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office.  Wishing to appear busy, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working.  He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments.  Finally, he hung up and asked the visitor, \"Can I help you?\" The man said, \"Sure.  I\'ve come to install the phone!\" ";

var chapter11="One day Gramma sent her grandson Johnny down to the water hole to get some water to cook dinner.  As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him.  He dropped the bucket and hightailed it for Gramma\'s kitchen.  \"Well now, where\'s my bucket and where\'s my water?\" Gramma asked him.  \"I can\'t get any water from that water hole, Gramma\" exclaimed Johnny.  \"There\'s a BIG ol\' alligator down there!\" \"Now don\'t you mind that ol\' alligator, Johnny.  He\'s been there for a few years now, and he\'s never hurt no one.  Why, he\'s probably as scared of you as you are of him!\" \"Well, Gramma,\" replied Johnny, \"if he\'s as scared as I am, then that water ain\'t fit to drink!\" ";

var chapter12="Morris had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation.  The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three envelopes number 1, 2 and 3.  \"Open these if you run up against a problem you don\'t think you can solve,\" the departing CEO said.  Things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and Morris was really catching a lot of heat.  About at his wit\'s end, he remembered the envelopes.  He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope.  The message read, \"Blame your predecessor.\"  Morris called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO.  Satisfied with his comments, the press -- and Wall Street -- responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him. ";

var chapter13="About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems.  Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope.  The message read, \"Reorganize.\"  This he did, and the company quickly rebounded.  After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times.  Morris went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope.  The message said, \"Prepare three envelopes.\" ";

var chapter14="The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength.  He made a special target of one of the older workmen.  After several minutes, the older worker had enough.  \"Why don\'t you put your money where your mouth is?\" he said.  \"I will bet a week\'s wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won\'t be able to wheel back.\"  \"You\'re on, old man,\" the braggart replied.  \"Let\'s see what you got.\"  The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles.  Then, nodding to the young man, he said, \"All right.  Get in.\" ";

var chapter15="Two bright young engineers applied for the same position at a computer company.  Since they had identical qualifications, the company asked the two applicants to take a ten-question test.  At the conclusion of the test, one of the applicants was called into the manager\'s office.  \"I have graded the test, and you both scored nine correct answers and got one answer wrong.  Thank you for your interest, but we\'ve decided to give the job to the other applicant.\"  \"And why would you choose him if we both got nine questions correct?\" asked the rejected applicant.  \"We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed,\" said the Department manager.  \"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?\" the rejected applicant inquired.  \"Simple,\" said the Department manager, \"The other gentleman answered Question #5, \'I don\'t know.\' Your answer to Question #5 was, \'Neither do I.\'\" ";

var chapter16="A photographer for a national news magazine was assigned to get photos of a big forest fire.  Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane.  \"It will be waiting for you at the airport!\" he was assured by his editor.  As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway.  He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, \"Let\'s go! Let\'s go!\" The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air.  \"Fly over the north side of the fire,\" said the photographer, \"and make three or four low level passes.\"  \"Why?\" asked the pilot.  \"Because I\'m going to take pictures! I\'m a photographer, and photographers take pictures!\" said the photographer with great exasperation and impatience.  After a long pause the pilot said, \"You mean you\'re not my instructor?\" ";

var chapter17="During the Super Bowl, there was another football game of note between the big animals and the little animals.  The big animals were crushing little animals and at half-time, the coach made a passionate speech to rally the little animals.  At the start of the second half the big animals had the ball.  The first play, the elephant got stopped for no gain.  The second play, the rhino was stopped for no gain.  On third down, the hippo was thrown for a 5 yard loss.  The defense huddled around the coach and he asked excitedly, \"Who stopped the elephant?\" \"I did,\" said the centipede.  \"Who stopped the rhino?\" \"Uh, that was me too,\" said the centipede.  \"And how about the hippo? Who hit him for a 5 yard loss?\" \"Well, that was me as well,\" said the centipede.  \"So where were you during the first half?\" demanded the coach.  \"Well,\" said the centipede, \"I was having my ankles taped.\" ";

var chapter18="A local business was looking for office help.  They put a sign in the window, stating the following: \"HELP WANTED.  Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual.  We are an Equal Opportunity Employer.\"  A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside.  He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.  Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager.  The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least.  However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office.  Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.  The manager said \"I can\'t hire you.  The sign says you have to be able to type.\" ";

var chapter19="The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter.  He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.  The manager was stunned, but then told the dog \"the sign says you have to be good with a computer.\"  The dog jumped down again and went to the computer.  The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program, that worked flawlessly the first time.  By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said \"I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities.  However, I *still* can\'t give you the job.\"  The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.  The manager said \"yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual.\"  The dog looked at the manager calmly and said, \"Meow!\" ";

var chapter20="Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference.  At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.  \"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?\" asks an accountant.  \"Watch and you\'ll see,\" answers an engineer.  They all board the train.  The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.  Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets.  He knocks on the restroom door and says, \"Ticket, please.\"  The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand.  The conductor takes it and moves on. ";

var chapter21="The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.  So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that).  When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip.  To their astonishment, the engineers don\'t buy a ticket at all.  \"How are you going to travel without a ticket?\" says one perplexed accountant.  \"Watch and you\'ll see,\" answers an engineer.  When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby.  The train departs.  Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding.  He knocks on the door and says, Ticket, please.\" ";

var chapter22="There was an engineer, manager and programmer driving down a steep mountain road.  The brakes failed and the car careened down the road out of control.  Half way down the driver managed to stop the car by running it against the embankment narrowing avoiding going over a cliff.  They all got out, shaken by their narrow escape from death, but otherwise unharmed.  The manager said \"To fix this problem we need to organize a committee, have meetings, and through a process of continuous improvement, develop a solution.\"  The engineer said \"No that would take too long, and besides that method never worked before.  I have my trusty pen knife here and will take apart the brake system, isolate the problem and correct it.\"  The programmer said \"I think you\'re both wrong!  I think we should all push the car back up the hill and see if it happens again.\" ";


allChapters=new Array(chapter0,chapter1,chapter2,chapter3,chapter4,chapter5,chapter6,chapter7,chapter8,chapter9,chapter10,chapter11,chapter12,chapter13,chapter14,chapter15,chapter16,chapter17,chapter18,chapter19,chapter20,chapter21,chapter22);